I have barely eaten in two days, I am tired all the time and I have no motivation to do anything.
I constantly feel like crying.
Why can’t I just check out of my life for a week?
Admitting it is the first step, right?
I’m not okay.
Sometimes, in life, you make a series of regrettable decisions. When you are making those decisions, you are selfishly only thinking of yourself. Those decisions probably hurt you most, but you are not thinking of the collateral damage done to the people who care about you.
Eventually, you may pull your head out of your ass. You may get tired of being a pariah. You’re definitely tired of people calling you a slut, saying you’re stupid, rolling their eyes whenever you open your mouth.
You’ve lost some people but if they couldn’t handle your worst, why would you want them around anyway? You try to forget them. You start doing yoga and meditating 10 minutes per day. You start reading books again. You try to get comfortable being on your own and journaling your feelings. You make a concerted effort to be happy for people when something good happens to them, rather than feeling bad for yourself. You feels pangs of regret for your former self, but you try to forgive yourself. You were in emotional turmoil. Surely you and everyone else understands. Don’t they see how well you’re doing?
You realize that not everyone does. Or they do, and they don’t care. They can’t let go of the person you were. You open yourself up in love, professing the need to heal, to talk, to move on, and they shut your effort down. They say they can’t trust you. That in refusing to take their advice you’ve hurt them too deeply for them to accept your offer of peace.
What do you do in that situation? Do you pick yourself up and try to prove them wrong? Do you forget they exist and chalk it up to another loss? Do you accept the consequences of a past life - a life you’ve left firmly in the past? Can you? Will you?